The topic of experience often comes up when discussing BDSM. Experience is the sum-total of everything we have learned in a given field, and everything that we will learn in future. I was born dominant and actively entered this lifestyle when I was seventeen, over two decades ago. I find myself today at the extreme "hard-line" end of the BDSM spectrum, a minority within a minority. Do I have experience? Yes. Do I hold strong views? Certainly – even controversial ones. Do I have much still to learn? Of course; everyone does. What I have learned thus far can be summed up as follows:

• A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
  But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.
• A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
  But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.
• A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
  But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.
• A dominant employs strength, but never force.
  But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.
• A dominant criticises, but never derides.
  But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.
• A dominant receives, but never takes.
  But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.
• A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
  But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, and this most of all requires humility.

In short, to use an archaic phrase, noblesse oblige. If a dominant is the centre of a submissive's universe, it is because she thinks so, not because he does. No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just coz. The truth of the matter is that owning is at least as much work as being owned.

Back To Essay 4: Let What You Have Said Be Done To Me

Forward to Essay 6: Reality Check