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LEATHERFOLK
BEHAVING BADLY: SOME EXAMPLES
In analyzing
bad behavior it's important to see in each instance both the damage done
to the community at large and the ethical breaches they create. By no
means exhaustive, here are some varieties of incivility we encounter in
the scene, and some thoughts on how to deal with them
The
Empathy Gap
It's subtle,
but lies behind much of the uncivil behavior we will be examining. The
empathy gap is not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but an absence
of compassion, kindness or concern towards other members of our SM community.
In a better world, we would all actively welcome strangers, extend cordiality,
start up conversations, feel some brotherhood towards others like ourselves,
whether we know them well or not. But more often than not - perhaps it's
because the scene has grown so large, perhaps its because of the constant
influx of newcomers - we often don't feel any particular warmth or connection
towards people we meet in the scene. This "inner nothingness"
sets the stage for much of the crude, and thoughtless behavior we find
in the scene.
Gossip
as news
We all
do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up on all the latest dirt.
And table talk is proper when you are trying to learn about someone your
curious about playing with. But in gossip, as with all things, there must
be some sense of proportion. By scene standards, it is entirely acceptable
to conduct good faith peer review by inquiring about someone's play style,
experience, and reputation. But nobody respects a nosy-Rosy, even if we
find them morbidly entertaining. Character assassination, the spreading
of dubious or inflammatory rumors, do great damage to the scene. It also
jeapordizes the confidentiality of individuals, and invites retaliatory
counter gossip. Both truth and privacy are cardinal principals in the
scene, and reckless chit chat damages both.
Clique
Politics
To have
a circle of friends is a good thing, but not when the goal is circling
the wagons to shut out people who "don't fit in." In the same
way that benign sharing of information can be amplified into vicious gossip,
clique politics whose purpose is exclusion, or hurting the feelings or
reputation of those you don't like, hurts the community also. Ultimately,
clique players make so many enemies that they themselves are resented
or unwelcome.
Sweet
and Sour
A common clique politics tactic: Some people make extravagant show of
how close and loving they are to their circle of friends (hugs, smiles,
introductions, glowing compliments) in part, to maximize the sting inflicted
against perceived outsiders, who are refused even the time of day. A stock
move among catty sorority girls during rush week (the Amish call it "shunning"),
it's embarrassing to see how many grown men and women in our community
use "sweet and sour" to isolate and hurt individuals whose feelings
and esteem they regard as unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates
"us and them" fissures that fragment the community, hurt feelings
and invite eventual retaliation.
Chicken
Hawk Syndrome
With a constant influx of SM beginners, some scenesters of dubious merit
attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of "mentoring".
Chicken hawk syndrome includes a strong come-on, boastful presentation
of one's own experience and skill, frequently systematic trashing others,
occasional pressure to isolate new people from the presence or influence
of others, all in the name of "education", or "training".
Sometime the goal is sex or play, sometimes the goal is to recruit newcomers
into the "mentor's" clique of preference. While there is nothing
wrong with expressing interest in someone (new to the community or not),
it is dishonest to couch that interest in terms of education. For new
people I advise this: take your time in choosing mentors. Ideally, develop
a circle of friends and don't be forced into reliance on a single point
of view. Do not yield to pressure to exclusive mentorship unless that's
exactly what you want.
SM Psychodrama
High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracy mongering, the blame game
escalated to Olympian proportions, toxic loathing towards seemingly decent
community peers... Does any of this sound familiar? Here's a test: If
such behavior would get you fired from a professional workplace, please
leave it at home.
Stealing
Consent (sneaky dom tricks to undermine consent)
Everyone knows that its still rape if you say yes when there is a knife
at your throat. But some tops pull the darndest stunts to avoid having
to seduce consent. I maintain a list of the real eye-rollers I've run
across, and add to it when I run across a new one. Here's what I have
so far:
- Real
doms don't grovel
in which tops simply ignore questions of
consent: grabbing, touching, caressing, doing whatever pleases their
whimsy, as though you've consented by virtue of being within their reach.
-
their
submissives grovel for them!: Every once in a while I am surprised
by the submissive of another dominant asking if her dominant can play
with someone I'm with. Huh? What? Dominants, please do your own negotiating.
If you get turned down, you get turned down, and that's life even if
it feels "undomly". This can take other more clever forms
as well. A woman I know was cruised by a bisexual friend with this cunning
line: "We should get together sometime; just you and me. I have
this fantasy of tying your hands, kissing you all over and licking your
pussy, and driving you mad while my hubby fucks you from behind. Doesn't
that sound exciting!!!".
- ·
Being submissive means you've consented already: The odious belief
in "true Doms" ("true doms never bottom... being a true
Dom means never having to say you're sorry, etc.") or "true
submissive" ("If you were a true submissive you would do X
for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while I waltz off and
do Z."). And that by your choice of role, your sado-erotic engagement
with me starts when I want it to.
- ·
Lies: This is one bottoms do also. Simply comforting falsehoods
to seduce consent where it might not be possible otherwise. The usual
areas are marital status, scene experience, and expertise with specialized
techniques.
- ·
Bait and switch: negotiating one scene and springing another
on your partner. One young newcomer to the scene arranged to play with
a far more experienced woman who tied her up, and flogged her into a
lovely high. But then, who should waddle into view but mister husband,
naked as a baby and rolling a condom over his chubby. Luckily the young
woman was able to shake herself out of the fog, blurt out her safe word
and get out of it, and to their credit, the couple released her. But
still
- A
safe word isn't really a safe word. Safe word violations are pretty
rare, but I once saw a prominent Black Rose member respond to a safeword
red with "Oooooh I knoooow you don't really mean that
. Doooo
you?" Breaches of ettiquete like these really stand out in the
minds of witnesses, and are almost never forgotten.
- Safe
word stigma: Taking advantage of the fact that some bottoms regard
safe word as a humiliating defeat.
- Afganistan-Bananastan:
Demanding the submissive use awkward, degrading or hard to remember
safe words. "Everybody please come butt fuck me" was once
assigned as a safe word to a submissive, hopefully to make the prospect
of safewording even more embarrassing and awkward than it usually is.
No comment.
- ·
"Ask me to hit your face." That's what the "famous
scene photographer" kept repeating during his shoot, as the bottom
slowly crumbled into tears of the unfun variety. He had already hit
her out of the blue so hard that she was seeing stars. The scene did
not end well. But not as badly as it could have had this bullying tactic
worked.
- If
you didn't forbid it, you've consented: The question "Is there
anything you don't want me to do?" is a great thing to ask before
a scene, but it is not fair gleefully planning rape, when someone answers
the aforesaid question with a request not to be hit in the face. Its
risky to pull a surprise fisting scene on someone who only asked for
a flogging.
- Assuming
the bottom knows what they can handle: Exceptions notwithstanding,
bottoms often have no idea what they can handle, especially new ones.
Someone who has never felt anal can't know whether they'll like it or
not. So bear in mind that even with consent obtained, your partner may
not know what they are in for, and may not respond ideally. It's easier
to seduce consent from someone's mouth than it is from their body.
Why do
tops do this instead of just being up front? Are they afraid they would
be turned down? Do the more domly 24/7 types get all skittish at the thought
of being turned down or having to work with the constraints of others
when their fantasy is total control all the time? Whatever the reason,
the art form is eroded when the very things that make SM different from
date rape are tossed out the window. Don't let yourself be manipulated
by tactics like these.
Failure
to separate role from reality
We are an imaginative bunch (witness the number of science fiction fans
and Renn-fair enthusiasts in our midst) and this is both good and bad.
Some take the view that the scene is a place where fantasy becomes reality,
raising the specter of unrealistic expectations, which can infringe on
safety, consent, even sanity. Men, particularly, scene newcomers with
long histories with cyber, porn, or with the commercial world of professional
dominants, may experience awkward transitions to the more laissez faire
environment of the scene where seduction, barter, and compromise are the
rule. Furthermore, someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable,
demanding bitch in scene must draw a reasonable line between what is appropriate
in scene, and into daily life, even if they consider themselves "lifestyle."
Tall
poppy syndrome
It is not always bad people who find themselves hunted down by the in-crowd.
Sometimes it is the very people who volunteer, help out, are popular,
bright and personable who are singled out for special hatred and grievance.
The Australians call it tall poppy syndrome: If you grow too much taller
than the others, you get your head chopped off. Many groups have defacto
though unstated traditions of deriding and ostracizing enthusiastic newcomers
as troublemakers and incompetent rebels. A lot of good people are chased
away by in-crowd types who regarded club leadership and innovation as
their sole domain.
Accountability
Phobes (The Rules Don't Apply to Me)
In which characters proudly contest that they are too real, too experienced,
too
whatever to be held accountable to the rules that others live
by. Like all diverse groups, they often have good reason to not want to
be held to an objective standard. One famous category of this is
.
The
Dom = Dickhead syndrome
While some dominants are true artists cultivating a gourmet's appreciation
of pleasure, pain and power, others are mere peevish control queens, itchy
for a chance to criticize, get belligerent, and boss others around. Still
others, new to the community (but not to Gor novels) make the classic
error of equating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreaching
manner dominated by virtue of their presence at an SM event. Regardless
of how dominant you are within your consenting relationships (and more
power to ya!), you can no more "assume" consent in your interactions
with others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume its okay
to boss others around, and rudely demand subservient behavior, are making
the classic newbie error of assuming it's okay to touch or grab others'
bodies without asking.
The
Realness Police (Your kink ain't My Kink)
In which your conception of SM is judged inferior to mine. Scoffing at
scenes for being too mild, too heavy or too
whatever. Pet peeves
include switching, use of humor in scene, lack of interest in 24/7. Even
if they are consistent in their beliefs they are mistaken in thinking
their standards should command anything other than the polite respect
from you that we owe everyone.
Safety
Nazis
Safety nazis are the flip side of the realness police. While the realness
police spend time criticizing their brothers and sisters in kink for not
being sufficiently authentic, the safety Nazis fret that people are be
taking their SM a bit too seriously. While safety is certainly a pivotal
SM value, unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, judgmental and
condescending, and sometimes that is precisely what is intended. SM safety
is certainly a concern. But so is discretion, tolerance of other viewpoints
and playstyles and acceptance of our many differences and peculiarities.
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