I regret to inform you ... is that Master or Mister? Master? Okay then, i regret to inform you Master Jones that your slave is only rated for a twenty pound flogger and I see here that your using a twenty five. I'm afraid were going to have to fine you for that. If that's not been corrected by the next time one of our inspectors drops by, we might not only fine you, but possibly suspend your Master's license for up to six months as well.

I also found that the lighting in your dungeon is not bright enough to allow your slave the required visibility level during play. And, although I cannot prove you have used it, the blindfold hanging in your equipment cabinet, is clearly a violation. Your slave must be permitted proper sight capability of what you are doing to him at all times.

But Mr. Inspector, my slave enjoys it more when he's blindfolded.

Too bad! The regulations clearly state the level of lighting and amount of visibility that must be maintained in any dungeon space. We don't care what he enjoys. It is our job to ensure that these regulations are meet. Now, I also noticed the presence of a great deal of candles. Far more than regulations allow.

But they help create the mood we like when we are playing

Don't care about that either. The regulations clearly state, only two, six-inch pillar candles are permitted within any ten-foot area of the dungeon. You clearly have more than five or six times that amount. They must be removed immediately. I will only give you a warning for that this time instead of a fine. But if we find it again...

Yeah, I know, you can suspend my Master's license you ignorant son of a...

Careful Master Jones. The use of curse words or derogatory language of any kind, directed at an OSHA inspector, is punishable by a five thousand dollar fine and a minimum of twenty-five whacks with a wooden paddle. Administered of course, within the OSHA guidelines for paddle width and weight, whack force, and whack interval frequency.

Along with the infractions that I have already pointed out to you Master Jones, I found quite a long list of other minor infractions that we expect you to correct before we come back for a follow-up inspection. However, since these regulations are fairly new, as we have only been regulating and inspecting dungeons since the government report assessing modern slavery was released, about three months ago, I am only going to issue you the one fine for the overweight flogger this time. Just make sure you get all of these other matters taken care of or you may find you're....

Yeah, yeah, I know. I may find my Master's license, which you so kindly brought the application forms for me today, suspended for a minimum of six months.

That would be six months for each infraction Master Jones.

Say what? This is getting ridiculous!!

Now, now, Master Jones. You know, it is the government's obligation to its citizens, to ensure that they have safe and sanitary working, or in this case servicing, conditions. And even though you have many years experience in what it is you do here, and feel that, depending on the interpretation, our restrictions could possibly limit you and your slave from playing as hard in some of the SM arenas as you currently do, or possibly like to do at some point in the future, we feel it is essential, that the maximum allowable limits that we establish, be such, that they would protect someone who is brand new to this type of activity from being injured. We take that responsibility very seriously.

Too seriously if you ask me.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't really matter what you think now does it, Master Jones?

Good day Master Jones, and oh, by the way, here is your free set of the five books containing all two hundred and fifty five thousand enforceable regulations, as well as the set of five books, containing the close to one hundred and seventy five guidelines, which we feel are necessary to ensure everyone's safety. They will probably become regulations over the next couple years.

I'm sure that you will find these books very helpful as you totally redesign your dungeon space in order to comply with all of our standards. As I said, this set is free. Future editions for any revisions of the existing regulations or additions of new ones, we expect will probably run about $1000 per set. That's just to cover the cost of printing.

Maybe if you cut out a few thousand of these stupid regulations, they wouldn't be so damned thick and cost so much to print.

Very amusing Master Jones. By the way, please inform your slave that he was personally responsible for the breakdown suffered by our interviewer, Mr. Williams, who talked with him as part of the assessment of the slavery issue a few months back. Seems the poor man was so traumatized by what your slave told him in regards to his living conditions, that he was babbling incoherently about having been to the devil's breading grounds, or something like that, and had to be given an extended medical leave of absence.

I'll be sure to reward the boy; I mean punish the boy, for that. Good-bye, inspector.