• Non-Verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication is talking without using your mouth. Everybody does it, especially kids. Children have to talk using their body, for they're not able to express themselves well enough verbally. During your life talking becomes the best way to express yourself, you're trained to talk and therefore it's no longer a need to listen to the language of your body. Your body however, keeps on talking, no matter what. And this language of your body is a perfect way to communicate with your partner during a scene.

It seems as though I'm playing with Paul during a scene, without giving him a chance to interfere. That's only the outside, for Paul is constantly talking to me, using his body where his mouth keeps shut. We made rules about the game we play, and as long as I won't break those rules, I'm free to do whatever I like to do. I do look at Paul during a scene, to see his reaction, for that may differ from one day or another. I look at his body, his shoulders, his muscles, his face, the breathing, his hands and so on.

Those are a few of the signals a body gives to whoever it may see, signals I am glad to use during a scene. In that way I can 'read' Paul, I react on his signals, manipulating in a way the scene will stay exciting rather than boring or too painful. So Paul has also something to say during a scene, he tells me what to do or don't, how excited he is and so on, but in a different way. We play an interactive game; it's not just one way, no matter how it may seem from the outside. He's responding to the things I'm doing, I'm responding to the signals his body gives.

• Verbal Communication

I'm not talking much during a scene, sometimes a comment, a question, but no full conversations. Talking is something we did before we started to play. To get to know each other, to learn what we love or dislike, what turns us on, what can be done soon, what do we want later? It gave us a lot of trust in each other, telling each other what we really wanted, what we dreamed about, what turned us on. We told things we never shared before with someone else. It probably isn't that special, but for us it was and still is the only way to build a foundation strong enough to build a deep relationship with each other. We depend on each other, whether we are playing or not, but more specific during a scene. Paul and I just can't give ourselves without trusting the other person.

Talking with each other is what keeps your relationship open and strong. It means we barely have secrets to one another, I share everything, the items not mentioned yet are no secrets, they're only not told yet. It's not only the conversations we had and still have, it's just respecting each other, taking each other the way we are, not forcing ourselves into someone we think the other will appreciate more.

So talking is important, there are no other ways to show your partner what you like or dislike, to tell your limits. It's not that easy to talk about your feelings, making them clear to someone else is even harder. But it won't help you to keep your mouth shut. Every person is different, everyone has his own limits, and it even differs from day to day. Things you don't like of think you don't like right now may be more than welcome next week.

Communication is necessary, no matter how long you already know each other. It may keep you from heavy problems; it gives you the opportunity to ride the lane together, in the same direction.