Humiliation Author: Marianne (A.K.A BoundLady) © 1999 |
Some of you probably know
me from the mailing lists I subscribe to, or from discussion
rooms on AOL. My name is Marianne, aka BoundLady, and I have been
in a relationship with my Master, ABondager, for almost 4 years now.
We are 24/7, live together, and are both very
active in the Washington DC scene. My Master
is on the board of Black Rose, I myself am very active with the
organisation.
This article is about my views on humiliation. When I
use the term humiliation I mean one thing:
Safe, Sane, Consensual Humiliation Play. I am not talking
about denigrating someone to the point where their self
respect gets hurt, I am talking about a part
of our lifestyle, where someone gets humbled, put in I think you can very easily have a Top/bottom relationship without any humiliation, but when it comes to D/s it will be there, just because of the fact that one person is dominant, the other person is submissive .. one is in a position of power over the other, one has a "higher" position. I am humbling myself by being submissive to him, and only to him. I know I am not "less" then he is, but I go there because it is what turns us both on. This is why I feel that we all are into humiliation to a certain extent ... some just a little, some of us a lot. For example: If your best vanilla friend, who knows what you are into, would witness an OTK spanking, would she think "How humiliating, how can she do that?" Or if she could observe you kneeling in front of him, or see you kissing his feet, would that look humiliating to her? It most likely would, but it feels natural to you because you probably do it a lot, and it does not feel humiliating to you because you are used to it. So yes, we all play with humiliation, we all humble ourselves for our Masters. And, I do feel that humiliation is the essence of D/s play. Boundaries of humiliation are the ones that are stretched the most, with many participants not even realizing that what they are doing is a humiliation scene. So why does humiliation have such a bad name among participants in this lifestyle? Is it because they look at the word humiliation with vanilla eyes? Why not look at the word beating with the same jaded look? A beating is a good thing in a BDSM relationship, it is a bad thing in a vanilla relationship. Humiliation is bad from a vanilla standpoint, but it is, at least in my opinion, an integral part of a BDSM relationship, as long as it is done as Safe, Sane, Consensual Humiliation PLAY!!!! Humiliation is not about making someone feel bad about themselves, it is a tool to humble the submissive, to make her do things for the Dominant that she would not do for anyone else, to show her submission. If it is used to make her feel bad then it is abuse. Even humiliation for punishment can not be abusive humiliation, just like a whipping for punishment can not be abusive. Humiliation comes in many forms. Being called
names, like slut, whore, little girl is humiliation.
Being put over someone's knee and spanked is humiliation.
Being tied to a table with your butt up in the air is
So how come that some scenes feel like humiliation and
others don't, even though they could be considered
humiliation? I think it is related to the frequency
it is done. Kneeling, OTK spankings, kissing his feet .. these
things don't make me feel humiliated, humbled, even though
in my head I know Some people say "There is nothing that could make me feel humiliated in front of my Master." I happen to think that they are talking about embarrassment when they say that. I do not get embarrassed in front of my Master, to me embarrassment is a negative feeling. But I do feel humiliated, humbled, put in my place when he does those things to me, and they are good feelings. One question always pops up. Why is it humiliation if I like it. I think it is only humiliation if you like it. If something is done that you don't like and that you can not deal with then it is not humiliation, it is abuse. Just like a spanking is not a spanking when you can not deal with it, it is then abuse. If someone, even my Master, were to tell me that I'm a fat pig, I would not feel humiliated in the SSC way that we use humiliation, I would feel insulted. If my Master calls me his slut or his whore I just go into subspace. Master has his own theory why that is, I don't want to steal his theories here <G>. Humiliation puts me into subspace like nothing else.
Doing things for my Master that I would not
do for anyone else is an awesome feeling ... impossible
to describe. It is that "I would do anything for him"
One important thing to remember when doing humiliation
play is that you cannot play with heavy humiliation
with a casual partner. Too much is at stake here.
Peoples emotional health is at stake. Before getting
into scenes like that a lot of communication
is necessary, getting to know everything about a partner.
And a safeword has to be in place. You can ruin
a good relationship by not recognizing triggers.
You can have talked and discussed for hours ... triggers can sneak up
on you, they come out of the subconscious and they can ruin it all if
not acted upon properly. Something that might seem like a very
simple thing to me, like being called his
slut, can be a trigger for someone else that ends the scene
Another important aspect is aftercare. Hugging, cuddling, talking -- the knowledge that he respects her as a partner. Humiliation is not there to take someone down and leave her there. It is a tool to take someone down and build them back up, even taller then they were before. She has to be sure that he knows who she really is, and that he knows what she is giving him with her submission. |
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