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In major American cities today small groups of otherwise
relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent
practice, S/M. But wait a minute --doesn't S/M mean one person who
enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who,
for some reason, likes receiving that pain? The answer certainly is yes,
but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M,
you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional
mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M
that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner.
In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed
inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist
was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually
considered "sick" to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually
had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities
quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.
The people who gather today to form small communities and
even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old
concept. Before discussing this difference though, let's examine the
perception and image of pain. When most people think of
pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative
the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is
awful.However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed
as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always
thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical
"pain clinics" people are taught to change their thinking towards pain
so that the "hurt" doesn't bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic
patients also report that, as a result of creating a new attitude towards
dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and
corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.
Another facet of pain is found in the "runners high" which
also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of "high," as
a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain
that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural painkilling
response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric
feelings. They are also a significant factor in why
some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other
factors as well.
Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast
to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of "Safe,
Sane, and Consensual."
This means that the S/M "play" is done in such a manner
that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury
or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or
nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS's
viruses as well as other diseases. Secondly, this means that the S/M play
is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental
impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder,
or by mind-altering substances. Then each participant must willingly consent
to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an
S/M "play scene" one person indicates he or she wishes to
stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then
the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication--and
people who don't communicate well usually don't do well in this type of
S/M. (Note: children cannot give a valid consent!)
One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated
with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other
people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other
even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members -- this is
what is meant by tolerance. Those who don't follow this implicit rule
are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only
time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that
are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses
hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.
Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities:
their members form close relationships and often these relationships become
somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between "churchgoers"
can enrich their spiritual lives.
Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth
from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the "top")
or the receiver (the "bottom"). This spiritual development occurs as a
result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense
of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately
provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge
to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined
in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to "switch"
between "top" and "bottom" roles.
And sometimes the development of this self-mastery becomes
a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually
would be judged extreme by our cultural norms. But regardless of whether
one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings
a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal
growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting,
and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life,
the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect
known as a "power exchange." This
synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes
place among like-minded members of the S/M community.
There are also other reasons why people are attracted to
this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality
of going against society's taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure
of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly
practicing it. But there probably isn't much need to worry about this
happening in the near future. And by no means nsignificant, the thrill
of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation
of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can
be very exhilarating.
Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary
S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as "flow." This is a pleasurable
and virtually universally sought after psychological experience
in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great
extent the "self" is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered,
and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to
the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just
as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers
often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of
this new blend of art and sport called S/M.
Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison
to most of what society enjoys, rather than being "sick," as some people
who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted
enrichment of one's spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane
and consensual S/M is simply fun -- or at least it should be. If you don't
enjoy it, you shouldn't be doing it. But if you don't enjoy it-- which
is fine, not everyone needs to--please be opened minded enough to allow
others the freedom to enrich their lives with it.
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