Many of us spend too much time relating our whole beings to the “lifestyle” in a way that compartmentalizes what we do and who we are. It trivializes the very thing that makes it important. Who we are, as whole and healthy human beings, includes the piece of the whole we label the “lifestyle”. Yet, we think on it, write about it, talk about it, meet about it and read about it until it is no longer a lifestyle choice but a cartoon representation of what it is that we do and who we are.

One of the results of such obsessions is that we forget such simple realities as the fact that finding a partner in the lifestyle is no different than finding a partner who is of the same political bent or the same religious persuasion. The fundamentals of healthy relationships still apply. And one of the most basic of the basic truths is that in order to have a healthy, long term, committed relationship you have to know yourself. You have to ask twice as many questions of yourself as you will ever ask of any potential partner.

My Master and I were extraordinarily lucky, not only because we found each other, but because of the seeming ease with which it happened. We were introduced by a mutual friend who knew before we did that something special would happen as a result of our meeting. I experienced a fairy tale and am still in the throes of happily ever after. But, no matter how meant to be this is, or how perfect we are for each other, had we not been at peace within ourselves it would have passed us both by.

Online ads, classifieds in your local kink friendly paper, club hopping, meeting and munch attendance, asking friends to introduce you to the Dom/sub of your dreams: All of these are ways to find someone who might be perfect for you, but, without knowing who you are or what you want it won’t mean a hill of beans. Thinking, using your brain…that is what it takes to find a partner in this or any other lifestyle we humans create for ourselves.

After one too many occurrences of broken hearted boo I realized that I couldn’t know what I wanted in a man until I figured out what I wanted in myself. Who did I want to be? What were my goals? Which dreams could be made reality and which dreams were those to forever hold as the stories I tell myself. Finding the right partner means understanding your passions. That means all of your passions, not just those that relate to BDSM. Think and think often about what those passions are.

I am boo, slave to my Master, Scott. But in order to be that I have to be boo, my Self. And boo’s passions are her children, her Tribe and the words she uses to tell her story. Shortly before I met Master I wrote a list of 228 things I wanted in a man and damned if he doesn’t meet every single one of my criteria! But none of them would have meant much if he couldn’t wholeheartedly embrace my passions. I am lucky. The passion for him and in him and from him has fueled my other most passionate self. The self I introduce to you. The teller of the tale. Not only has he fueled that passion he has encouraged and embraced it, just as he has my family and my Tribe.

What dreams are just that…dreams? And which of your dreams are passions without which you cannot be your truest self? What is it that makes you cry? What makes you laugh? And are the tears and the giggles for the tragedies and triumphs or are they responses that another would not understand without explanation? What makes your heart sing and what makes you afraid?

When you answer those questions, pretend that the lifestyle is outside your experience. A good spanking makes me cry. But so does injury to my children or a love story on TV. I also cry when I’m very, very angry and frustrated. My heart sings when I am told something I’ve written has touched another or when I get through a whole week of work without wanting to rip my little boss’s head off his shoulders. And I am afraid of snowstorms and of someone thinking I’m “faking” being a responsible adult.

What are your goals? What is the silliest, the least likely, the most important, the easiest to attain? When the Boss and I were first seeing each other I told him I’d waited my whole life to be a ditzy blonde. Blonde came out of a bottle and the ditz was allowed to come out when Master found me and patiently dealt with my absentmindedness and my ability to lose anything as soon as it left my hand. I didn’t shut my brain down when he put his collar around my neck. But I did quit trying to be Superwoman. That was probably the silliest goal I ever set for myself. My goals are important to him. Every dream, every fantasy tells him something about me. But, I have to know what those are in order to give them to him.

We are whole human beings. Our bodies aren’t separate entities from our intellects nor are our intellects separate entities from our spiritual selves. That wholeness is…we can’t make it happen or improve it, it just is. However we have to learn to accept that truth. Being our whole self is what makes us healthy and being healthy is the only to way to maintain a relationship. I can’t ignore the simple truth that what I think about affects my physical and spiritual being. Because it is all my being. Knowing who I am and what my needs are, is a major part of accepting the truth of my wholeness. And all of that began long before Master found me.

A list of 228 things I wanted in a man, conversations with people who have known me in all sorts of situations, reading others thoughts about the journey and the destination, writing short stories and keeping a journal. All of these were tools I used to learn boo. When Master and I met he asked questions about who I am. I was more often than not able to answer. I consider that very important. How can someone get to know you if you can’t answer their questions? Of course, he asked questions I couldn’t answer, that made me think. But, he had a starting place, as did I.

There were things I didn’t know about myself that he has helped me to discover. I never thought I would discover a need to be “owned” by another. The idea of calling myself slave was not something I considered other than to say I wasn’t considering it. But, with him I did discover a need to give myself completely and without reservation. Would it have happened with anyone other than him? I don’t believe it would have. But, it most certainly wouldn’t have happened had I not already learned how to be honest with myself about who I am and what my needs are.

“To thine own self be true.” Shakespeare had it right on the money. Without telling yourself the truth you can never give the truth to another. In the lifestyle we talk quite a bit about the Safe, Sane and Consensual creed. A friend of ours from an Old Guard family gave her family’s version to us not so long ago…Trust, Honor and Respect. Those three words carry much more weight than SSC in my opinion and they should be turned inward as well as outward. We all wish to be treated to Trust, Honor and Respect and we all wish to be able to give it. Give it to yourself first. The rest will come in the Universe’s own good time.

E-mail boo{SL}: prettyboo@37.com