Whats that noise..is it him?

No..not this time, the noise was just the stairs creaking, or someone walking downstairs, it wasnt outside the room. Not this time.

Dare I sleep, maybe if I pretend to be asleep this time He wont wake me, maybe this time
I will be safe from him. Please let it be so.

Daddy says I am his brave girl, so why does this man frighten me so much... I wonder if there is room under the bed to hide..? No..the gap isnt big enough.

Mummy says I am her grown up young lady..so why do I feel so tiny when I am here?
He says its alright, that there is nothing wrong, but why do I have to keep it a secret, and why does it make me feel to so ill..so dirty..so ashamed.

I used to like the dresses Mum would make for me, the way she would braid my hair to make me pretty..now all I want to do is find a way to look like a boy so maybe He will leave me alone when we are here.

My knees are all skinned from climbing the tree with my brother, my hands scraped up from the fall, the scabs on my legs bleeding from me picking at them. My hair used to be long and pretty, its knotted now, and greasy, because I wont take a bath here, even though it means no treats. I dont want to look pretty for him.

Is that...no..no its just the tv downstairs.

Why do we have to visit here like this, maybe I should tell...

No..He said they would be angry with me, I dont want Mum and Dad angry at me for telling on a secret.

My necklace is gone, my ballerina from Mum, shes going to be so upset at me for loosing it, but I couldnt let him do that to me today. It was wrong of Him..why did he have to break the chain like that, they saved so hard to buy that for me..now its gone, and my chin is bleeding again..maybe it will scar and he wont look at me like that.. I can hope cant I.

That was the front door..?!

Was it Him going out to the pub..if He goes there I will be alright, please dont let it be bingo night, please..fingers crossed, and I promise to do the turn around three times and touch the ground ..I promise..I promise..if only you make it Him that has gone out..

Dont breath..dont make a sound..listen ...listen..

I can hear my brother mumbling in his sleep in the next room, and my cousins on the other side..the tv down stairs..and...and...nothing..

Thankyou. thankyou..thankyou...

I can feel my heart pounding so loud that they must be able to hear it in the next room, my hand is trembling, my knuckles burning from how tight my hand holds the old soft dog that I hope will be my guardian this night. Did it work.. will He leave me alone, tomorrow night doesnt matter, for tomorrow we go home, tomorrow I will be safe.

Maybe me saying no made him change his mind...maybe the cut on my face makes me ugly enough now..

I can feel the tears on my face, I didnt even realise that I was crying.. He says its for love, He says its becuase he cares.. but love isnt supposed to hurt. Caring isnt supposed to make a person feel like this..is it..? Maybe it hurts becuase I am a bad person, but I dont do bad things, least I dont think I do.

So much about this confuses me, but He says its becuase I am still a child, yet then He says I am grown up and this is what grown ups do..That this is all my fault becuase I am so grown up, so pretty to him. How can I be a grown up and a child at the same time..How can I make myself ugly enough that He will leave me alone.

What if he hurts someone else like this..? No..he says its just me he loves like this.

What was that..stay quiet, dont move..dont breath, please..thats my door..please..I promised, remember, I promised, turn around, touch the ground, fingers crossed ,the whole thing..please please..

Close eyes tight, think of something else. Hes not there, Hes not there, this isnt going to happen...NO!

With a scream I sit up in bed, my face wet with the same tears I spilled as a child, that feeling of helplessness, of being tiny still fresh in my mind. Even after so many years.

Next to me, my husband wakes, his arms encircle me, wordlessly he holds me as I cry, knowing what memory has disturbed my night. As the tears dry up he begins to murmer softly into my ear that I am safe, wrapped in his arms, sheltered, protected by his love, that no one will ever hurt me like that again.... I can only hope He is right.