Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained
to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh
why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend
in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed
romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming
but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery
promises, he never paid you back.
We may have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated
this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above.
But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an abuser.
I wish the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would teach
these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper choices
in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed out the abuser
from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys out there.
HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST
1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person?
2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
3. Do you catch this person in lies?
4. Are you this person's only friend?
5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
7. Is this person mean to animals?
8. Is this person subject to road rage?
9. Does this person anger easily?
10. Does this person hold grudges?
11. Does this person express their anger physically?
12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
13. Is this person jealous of your friends and realatives?
14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?
15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
17. Is this person totally fixated on you?
18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
19. Is this person co-dependent?
20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem
with compulsive gambling?
24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps
making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has
this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell
you to just “trust them”?
25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
27. Does this person take your money?
28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see
or go to the movie of their choice?
29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping
until you REALLY objected?
30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to
32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened
to do so?
33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and
friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll
34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check
up on you to make sure?
35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies
and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail?
Listen to your phone calls?
36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows?
Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
If you answer YES to more than just even one or two
of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of
questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this
list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when
chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of
many other women that have.
Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and
can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about
on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time
to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled
liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.
Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may
be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional
counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute
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